Short Review: This film goes over as good as jalapeño dip at a burn center.


Widely considered not to be the greatest actor of his generation, Keanu Reeves remains the poster child for Hollywood’s lowered requirements for fame. His performance in his film is so singularly horrid it boggles my simple mind. It is as if they made a movie from his rehearsals for The Matrix sequels. Yet I have to admit that to complain that he is stiff and poorly executes his lines is like complaining that the ocean is moist - these are the base elements of his professional existence.

Honestly, it is stunning that in a film about Hell, the most frightening thing in it is Keanu’s elocution. There were times when I actually had to stop the film and play it with subtitles to understand what Keanu was saying. Marlon Brando whispering with a mouthful of cottage cheese spoke more clearly than this mush mouth.

How does he get work? To answer my own question, he gets work because he puts butts in seats. This begs the question, what is wrong with these butts?

I should focus more on the movie itself.

When you see dogs sniffing one another, they’re actually checking to make sure the other dog doesn’t carry the stench of this film. This flick is truly that awful. It is a grand, brilliant gem of vile stupidity.

This dirty little ditty is based on the Hellblazer comic books. John Constantine (barely played by Keanu) has the gift of exorcism. He kicks demons back to Hell for a living and…what am I doing? I just spent more time explaining the plot than the filmmakers do in the film. The story is about a guy and some demons. The details are in there someplace but no one has bothered to unearth them as of yet.

I urge you NOT to see this film if you have any theological bent to you at all. This is a heretical piece. I do not make that claim lightly. At every turn this film dismisses the Christian faith while embracing its symbols for its own devices. This is a celebration of demonic imagery and humanistic, new age jawboning. If you have any faith in you at all, this movie will turn your stomach. My long-suffering wife, who is particularly sensitive to such displays of disrespect, was yelling at the screen so much that by the time the credits rolled she was sounding like Nick Nolte after a couple of packs of Pall Malls.

Steer clear of this movie and hopefully it and its filmmakers will eventually go away. I sincerely hope the filmmakers come around and realize the insulting work they have done here and look for forgiveness – from God for spitting on him and from the audience for asking us to watch.


Related Reviews:
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Dangerous Liasons (1988)
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Other Critic's Reviews:
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Labels: Djimon Hounsou, film, Keanu Reeves, movie review, Peter Stormare, Rachel Weisz, Shia LaBeouf, Tilda Winton

• Keanu Reeves as a tough cop.
• Forest Whitaker ripping off his previous work on The Shield.
• Hugh Laurie being languishing in a side part.

How could that possibly go wrong?

Well, many ways apparently.

This is the typical call cops are criminals with badges bromide we've been forced to swallow since I forget when. Just another flick trying to replicate Training Day (which wasn't nearly as good as people claimed).
This is a serious waste of time. Do not bother yourself. Even if you get to see this for free, your time is worth more than the results of this production.



Related Reviews:
Keanu Reeves movies
The Devil's Advocate (1997)
Constantine (2005)


Other Critic’s Reviews:
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Urban Cinefile



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Labels: Cedric the Entertainer, Chris Evans, Common, film, Forest Whitaker, Hugh Laurie, Jay Mohr, Keanu Reeves, movie review

Short Review: The real gift is if this movie came with a complimentary barf bag.


Billy Bob Thornton can’t write.

Let’s be clear, neither can I. I don’t know if you’ve ever noticed my atrocious grammar. I understand I am chucking big ol’ cinder blocks at William’s glass house, but I must.

Billy Bob Thornton can’t write.

This film is a drifting, condescending bore. Even with a very talented cast (Cate Blanchett, Greg Kinnear, Giovanni Ribisi, JK Simmons, Gary Cole and Hilary Swank) and one of the best working directors, Sam Raimi, this film is like eating paste dipped in rotten flour. It’s bland and yet leaves an awful taste in your mouth.

Billy Bob is a very talented actor, but I refuse to give him credit for his script work. I need only this film and Sling Blade to buttress my complaint. This guy’s work is first of all BORING. Not just slow, but produces a soul-pounding boredom - listening to Ben Stein reading the collected works of James Joyce boring. Moreover, he hates southerners. Sure, Billy Bob’s name is Billy Bob, but this guy’s writing pokes the South in the eye at every turn. To view his work, you’d think no one below the Mason-Dixon line has any real value. Can we have yet another presentation of a dim eyed, drunken, slacked jawed yokel beating his wife? These guys exist sure, but can we have the other side of the coin every once in a while?

Are there positive sides to this film? No, not really. It’s not a complete loss, but there’s nothing here to recommend either. It’s a bland, lifeless movie waiting for its turn in the bargain bin at your video store. Which is where it belongs.


Related Reviews:
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Labels: Billy Bob Thornton, Cate Blanchett, film, Gary Cole, Giovanni Ribisi, Greg Kinnear, Hilary Swank, JK Simmons, Katie Holmes, Keanu Reeves, Michael Jeter, movie review, Sam Raimi

Short Review: A movie dumbly.



What's worse than a boring, pointless movie? A boring, pointless movie coated in intensely irritating animation. Writer/Director Richard Linklater (Dazed and Confused, Slackers) is responsible for this dismal yawn fest. To water this down, this is a bunch of bored actors portraying unattractive people yammering through seemingly endless strings of meaningless dialog. Every scene is bookmarked by an intrusive soundtrack that blasts during transitions. Linklater's script is surprisenly bad for someone who's been a professional screenwriter for so long. The dialog is wandering and at times completely incoherent. The characters offer no reason to like them. Its fine if the characters are dispicable people but it is only common sense for the writer to find something positive to give the audience to connect with. Linklater avoids this not because he's making a point, but because he's either ignorant of the flaw or too lazy to fix it.

Bad script. Lifeless acting. Grating animation. Don't bother.



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Labels: animated, Keanu Reeves, Robert Downey Jr, Rory Cochrane, Winona Ryder, Woody Harrelson

The original The Day the Earth Stood Still was flawed in many areas, but it delivered the goods. It is one my list of favorite sci-fi flicks. The film tells the story of an alien who comes to Earth to warn us that we don't stop fighting aliens would step in and destroy us for their own safety - kind of a "do as I say, not as I do" proposition. This was done with one of the clearest uses of a Christ figure in cinematic history.

Today, since everything needs to be "re-envisioned", there's a new version coming our way.

In the old days Hollywood was doing what it could to answer the threat of international communism by equating both sides of the Cold War. This time, since the good guys won the Cold War, there needs to be a new enemy. I heard early on that since the Hollywood leftists have recast themselves from being secretly red to being in-your-face Greens, the bad guy is now humanity because we don't recycle enough. That's right good ol' Global Cooling....er, Warming...er, Climate Change. That's right, the alien comes down to tell us that we don't start treating Mother Earth better, they're going to kill us.

If you're not already doing it, this is where you should be groaning.

This trailer certainly appears to support that rumor. The alien Klaatu (played by Keanu Reeves - it seems the production is not focusing on great performances), apparently refers to himself as a "friend of the Earth" and the final line of the trailer he says "If the Earth dies, you die. If you die, the Earth survives". At least the greens are starting to get around to their actual agenda - kill that pesky cancer known as mankind.

To everyone who agrees with that last line, all I have to say is:

You first.






Screenwriter: David Scarpa (The Last Castle)
Director: Scott Derrickson (The Exorcism of Emily Rose)
Actors: Keanu Reeves (The Matrix), Jennifer Connelly (A Beautiful Mind), Kathy Bates (At Play in the Fields of the Lord), John Cleese (A Fish Called Wanda), and Jaden Smith (The Pursuit of Happyness)

Labels: film, global warming, Jaden Smith, Jennifer Connelly, John Cleese, Keanu Reeves, movie trailer, Scott Derrickson

Short Review: This film goes over as good as jalapeño dip at a burn center.


Widely considered not to be the greatest actor of his generation, Keanu Reeves remains the poster boy for Hollywood’s lower requirements for fame. His performance in his film is so singularly horrid it boggles my simple mind. It is as if they made a movie from his rehearsals for The Matrix sequels.To complain that he is stiff and poorly executes his lines is like complaining that the ocean is moist.

This man is to acting what Mr. Rosie O’Donnell is to underwear modeling. It is stunning that in a film about Hell, the most frightening thing in it is Keanu’s elocution. There were times when I actually had to (and I am not joking) stop the film and play it with subtitles to understand what Keanu was saying. Marlon Brando whispering with a mouthful of cottage cheese spoke more clearly than this mush mouth.

I should get to the movie.

When you see dogs sniffing one another, they’re actually checking to make sure the other dog doesn’t have the stench of this film on it. This thing is truly awful. It is a grand, brilliant gem of vile stupidity.

This dirty little ditty is based on the Hellblazer comic books. John Constantine (barely played by Keanu) has the gift of exorcism. He kicks demons back to Hell for a living and…what am I doing? I just spent more time explaining the plot than the filmmakers do in the film. The story is about a guy and some demons. The details are in there someplace but no one has bothered to unearth them as of yet.

I urge you NOT to see this film if you have any theological bent to you at all. This is a heretical piece. I do not make that claim lightly. At every turn this film dismisses the Christian faith while embracing its symbols for its own uses. This is a celebration of demonic imagery and humanistic, new age jawboning. If you have any faith in you at all, this movie will turn your stomach. My long-suffering wife, who is particularly sensitive to such displays of disrespect, was yelling at the screen so much that by the time the credits rolled she was sounding like Nick Nolte after a couple of packs of Pall Malls.

I could continue to trash this film but it doesn’t deserve my effort. Steer clear of this movie and hopefully it and its filmmakers will eventually go away. I sincerely hope the filmmakers come around and realize the insulting work they have made and look for forgiveness from God for spitting on him and from the audience for asking us to watch.


Related Reviews:
Keanu Reeves movies
Bram Stoker's Dracula (1992)
The Devil's Advocate (1997)


Other Critic's Reviews:
Roger Ebert
Strong Opinion

Labels: anti-Christian, Djimon Hounsou, film, Keanu Reeves, movie review, Peter Stormare, Rachel Weisz, Shia LaBeouf

Screenwriters: David Ayer (Training Day)
Director: James Ellroy(L.A. Confidential), Kurt Wimmer (The Recruit), and Jamie Mos
Actors: Keanu Reeves (Constantine), Forrest Whitaker (The Last King of Scotland), Hugh Laurie (Flight of the Phoenix), Chris Evans (Sunshine) and Naomie Harris (Pirates of the Caribbean: At World's End)

Labels: Cedric the Entertainer, Chris Evans, cops, Forest Whitaker, Hugh Laurie, Keanu Reeves, movie trailer, Naomie Harris