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June 24, 2010
Constantine (2005)
Should I see it?
No. Double no.


Short Review: This film goes over as good as jalapeño dip at a burn center.



Widely considered not to be the greatest actor of his generation, Keanu Reeves remains the poster child for Hollywood’s lowered requirements for fame. His performance in his film is so singularly horrid it boggles my simple mind. It is as if they made a movie from his rehearsals for The Matrix sequels. Yet I have to admit that to complain that he is stiff and poorly executes his lines is like complaining that the ocean is moist - these are the base elements of his professional existence.

Honestly, it is stunning that in a film about Hell, the most frightening thing in it is Keanu’s elocution. There were times when I actually had to stop the film and play it with subtitles to understand what Keanu was saying. Marlon Brando whispering with a mouthful of cottage cheese spoke more clearly than this mush mouth.

How does he get work? To answer my own question, he gets work because he puts butts in seats. This begs the question, what is wrong with these butts?

I should focus more on the movie itself.

When you see dogs sniffing one another, they’re actually checking to make sure the other dog doesn’t carry the stench of this film. This flick is truly that awful. It is a grand, brilliant gem of vile stupidity.

This dirty little ditty is based on the Hellblazer comic books. John Constantine (barely played by Keanu) has the gift of exorcism. He kicks demons back to Hell for a living and…what am I doing? I just spent more time explaining the plot than the filmmakers do in the film. The story is about a guy and some demons. The details are in there someplace but no one has bothered to unearth them as of yet.

I urge you NOT to see this film if you have any theological bent to you at all. This is a heretical piece. I do not make that claim lightly. At every turn this film dismisses the Christian faith while embracing its symbols for its own devices. This is a celebration of demonic imagery and humanistic, new age jawboning. If you have any faith in you at all, this movie will turn your stomach. My long-suffering wife, who is particularly sensitive to such displays of disrespect, was yelling at the screen so much that by the time the credits rolled she was sounding like Nick Nolte after a couple of packs of Pall Malls.

Steer clear of this movie and hopefully it and its filmmakers will eventually go away. I sincerely hope the filmmakers come around and realize the insulting work they have done here and look for forgiveness – from God for spitting on him and from the audience for asking us to watch.


Related Reviews:
Keanu Reeves movies
Dangerous Liasons (1988)
Street Kings (2008)


Other Critic's Reviews:
Hollywood Jesus
Rotten Tomatoes



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