***Originally posted on July 31, 2008***
Should I see it?
No.
Short Review: After the first three hours, I was willing to claim I was the Zodiac killer just to get this thing over with.
Aries (March 21 - April 20)
Your life is as miserable and boring as ever. Watching a deadpan movie with a running time of over two and a half hours about a murderous loser and the failed attempts to catch him is the last thing you need. Try to liven up your day by peeling that lazy butt of yours off of the couch and go outside.
Taurus (April 21 - May 21)
Your sister will call today. Don’t pick up. Seriously, don’t do it. That witch will drive you nuts. Honestly, what has she ever done for you? If you weren’t blood, you probably would have abandoned her ten years ago. She’s just like another in a long line of “serial killer” movies. She plays on the worst and darkest parts of your personality, wastes your time and gives you little in return.
Gemini (May 22 - June 21)
The knowledge that you can’t make Mint Julips with Jägermeister comes about ten hours too late. You also discover it is a bad idea to do this experiment right before your company’s summer picnic. It is best to avoid a movie involving seeing Robert Downey Jr. overacting. His futile attempt at nabbing that best supporting actor nod may remind you of your own pathetic missteps in front of your boss. As it turns out, while your boss’ wife does indeed have a mustache, she’s not nearly as amused by it as you are. Suffice to say, you won’t get fired soon, but you can rest assured you’re never – never – going to get that promotion. Just resign yourself to your fate. The sooner you come to understand you have yourself to blame the better off you’ll be.
Cancer (June 22 - July 22)
You’re cancer, people tend to want to avoid you. Much like they will want to avoid David Fincher’s boring film. He is one of the best directors out there, but this thing is a droning, mismanaged disaster. He has too many characters not doing enough over too long of a time. When the belated final resolution rolls in, the original spark of the film has already packed its bags and went home in a huff. Editing, David, its called editing. Copious amounts would have done this film wonders.
Leo (July 23 -August 21)
Remember that thing you did with those guys with the thing that time way back over at that place? Yeah, that’s coming back to rear its ugly head. There’s nothing about a movie here, I thought I’d just warn you and also say "ew".
Virgo (August 22 - September 23)
Much of the day will be like finding yourself in a murder mystery where the killer is revealed way too early, and the storyline doesn't have enough depth to support an extended act where said killer evades indictment. Like the movie, you’ll wander around for hours despondent and desperately wanting something – anything interesting to happen. The surprise left out of your brief slice of life will sap any reason for experiencing it. You will have to make your own fun today.
Libra (September 24 - October 23)
You’re sensitive today. Yes, those uncontrollable crying fits are back. Face it, he’s not coming back. Your years of concentrating on your appearance and social status have caused your intellect to atrophy. Your mind is an unbearable hole where random thoughts go to die. Of course he left, you may be pretty and have shiny hair but you can’t talk about anything more complicated than reruns of Sex in the City. Pretty girls may have more fun but smart girls end up happier. With the intellectual vacuum you exist in, you may naturally fall back on wanting to forget your troubles by looking at some hunky guy. If you’re into that Jake Gyllenhaal goof, try one of his other movies. While he does a fine job in this, he looks like he’s been awake for thirty years. You know you’re in trouble when you’re standing next to Robert Downey Jr. and you’re the one who looks under the weather. When I say try one of his other movies, you’re going to want to avoid Brokeback Mountain as well…unless you’re into rutting cowboys. Then again if you are, then maybe your boyfriend left for entirely different reasons than we've explored here.
Scorpio (October 24 - November 22)
Avoid engaging in viewing a movie that is so clumsily done that it has to show murder victims being ruthlessly stabbed. Knowing that cinema is the art of not only what is seen but more importantly what is left unseen, the image of a woman being stabbed on screen will only support your fears that indeed the culture is going to hell in a hand basket. Well, you’re partly right. It’s actually going to hell in a barf bag.
Sagittarius (November 23 - December 22)
Forget your troubles today and let it all out. Enjoy life, experience the small things and embrace your existence with wild abandon. The stars are showing that that aneurysm in your head you don’t know about is about to blow. Speaking of blowing, the script for Zodiac is ponderous and pointless (a double threat). James Vanderbilt’s script is to brevity what this seemingly endless novelty review is to good writing.
Capricorn (December 23 - January 20)
Apparently, that stuff you ate in the middle of the night last night wasn’t bean dip (although it was lumpy and spongy). Perhaps next time you’ll won’t rely on that small refrigerator light to guide your way at 3am. You’ll spend most of your day today exploring the personal theme park ride that is your gag reflex. A little rest will do you well, when you’re not perched over the porcelain. For help overcoming your lurching guts and getting some rest, pop in the last two thirds of this film. The lazy plot and stagnant tone will lull you into a deep sleep. Please sleep on your stomach however. We don’t want you pulling a Hendrix.
Aquarius (January 21 - February 19)
You’ll have moments of clarity today. Like right now when you realize that horoscopes are for morons. Some charlatan writes up vague descriptions that have no real meaning and then dimwits read these things and shoehorn their individual meanings into them. Try this, on your way home from work today think to yourself that you’ll see the number 22. Soon everywhere you look the number 22 will appear. Same thing with horoscopes, you’ll fit your life into the frame they provide. Stop with the divination idiocy and just face your life already.
Pisces (February 20- March 20)
Things at work will fall apart in a brilliant and embarrassing public spectacle. Your hard work will be forgotten and any positive efforts you’ve offered will be for naught. Today you’re a little like Mark Ruffalo. He provides a great performance in this film but all of his efforts amount to little in face of the remainder of the production. Yes, he is the best part of the film, but this is a little like saying he’s the best violin player on the Titanic. I wouldn’t even bother going into work today. You’ll just end up in your car over your lunch break asking yourself where it all went wrong. You can do that at home and you don’t even need to get dressed.
Related Reviews:
Jake Gyllenhaal movies
Donnie Darko (2001)
Brokeback Mountain (2005)
Other Critic's Reviews
Cinema Dave
Exclaim!
Labels: David Fincher, film, Jake Gyllenhaal, movie trailer, Robert Downey Jr, serial killer
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