Short Review: The media reports of Tom Cruise’s kid’s feces being bronzed may be in error. As it turns out, it may have actually been the shooting script for this film.


There are two big issues with this Tom Cruise movie:

1. Tom Cruise
2. The movie

My issue with Cruise is that he is Tom Cruise in nearly every movie he appears in. He is not an actor. He is a personality. I'm not a fan of personalities.

Looking beyond Cruise, which normally involves simply standing up, you will find Alias and Lost creator JJ Abrams at the helm of this project. This was his first feature film. I enjoy Abrams’ television work. His shows are vacuous and embarrassingly simple. His characters are emotional single-line caricatures but are given enough clever flints of dialog to make them likable. His shows are what they intend to be, disposable yet addictive fluff.

This film is just as disposable as Abrams' TV work. The difference is that this film actually prompts you to throw it away.

Where Abrams’ Alias can get you to suspend your disbelief so you’ll buy that Jennifer Garner can smuggle a XM8 Lightweight Assault Rifle in her camisole, his big fat McMovie can’t get beyond its own bloated subplots. This whole film is one big Alias episode without the benefit of Garner’s charm or Kevin Weisman’s (Marhsall Finkman) humor. Abrams goes so far as to insert, for no reason, Greg Grunberg (Alias’ Eric Weiss) into the first act. This would be like Leonard Nimoy striking it out on his own back in the 70’s but refusing to take off his pointy ears.

Absent the distraction of Jennifer Garner in a body sock shooting a TM-203 Grenade Launcher, Abrams' adoration of cheesy scripting is made just that much more obvious.

If you haven’t seen the film you may want to stop reading, I’m about to spoil the works. Although now that I consider my warning, I'm not sure that's really possible. Can you spoil trash?

The central point of the film is that super-spy Ethan Hunt tries to prove to himself (and others) that he can have a normal life with a wife and the whole shebang. All of this is wrapped up in a muddled plot which pushes Hunt to obtain “The Rabbit’s Foot”. This is currently in the pudgy hands of bad guy arms dealer Owen Davian (Philip Seymour Hoffman). Yes, the villain’s name is really Owen. Owen. " Oh, no here comes Owen." "I'm so scared of Owen!" Why not Karl, or perhaps Irwin?

“The Rabbit’s Foot” is a toxin Owen is looking to sell to bigger badder guys. Actually, we’re never told what “The Rabbit’s Foot” is and why we should care. For that matter, we’re not given the identity of the bigger badder guys and why they're so scary. Everything is nebulous, which means they are meaningless.

Owen, while performed well by Hoffman, is not an ominous figure. Since he and Ethan aren’t the focus and the conflict between the two is not clearly established, the climatic scenes lose their wind. Any momentum found in the first act is spent by halfway through the film because Abrams is too intent on wedging in a conspiracy subplot into the piece that the film simply can’t support.

Here is a heads up for all of the big time, huge budget Hollywood goofballs; If you have a big, fat McMovie and you need to reach a broad international audience, the recipe is easy:


What this does is create a firm central plot from which you can hang subplots and any other nonsense you want.


If you’re a fan of JJ Abrams’ work, stick with his small screen products. This film, while offering a few well crafted moments, will ultimately waste your time. If you’re going to do that you may as well see Jennifer Garner kill a dozen guys with a flame-thrower while parachuting wearing nothing more than a teddy.


Related Reviews:
Tom Cruise movies
War of the Worlds (2005)
Vanilla Sky (2001)


Other Critic's Reviews:
Film School Rejects
Beyond Hollywood




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Labels: Billy Crudup, Eddie Marsan, film, Jonathan Rhys Meyers, Keri Russell, Laurence Fishburne, Michelle Monaghan, movie review, Philip Seymour Hoffman, sequel, Simon Pegg, Tom Cruise, Ving Rhames

Screenwriters: Michael Ferris (Catwoman), John D. Brancato (Terminator Salvation)
Director: Jonathan Mostow (Terminator 3: Rise of the Machines)
Actors: Bruce Willis (Hostage), Radha Mitchell (Rouge), Ving Rhames (Dawn of the Dead) and Rosamund Pike (Doom)

Labels: Bruce Willis, film, movie trailer, Radha Mitchell, Rosamund Pike, Ving Rhames

It could have been funny but they went for crude instead. Saying filthy things in place of actual punchlines doesn't equate comedy, it just means you're copping out.

Don Ready (Jeremy Piven) and his crew of mercenary used-car salesmen are brought in to help a dealer who is facing being bought out. This is a great concept, but there is absolutely no payoff. There is some sparks at the opening, in particular with Piven's character. Once the plot begins to mix we discover that all of the ingredients are flavorless.

The comedy comes in two fashions here. There are semblances of some good comedy setups but no payoffs or the setups are so stupid they have nowhere to go. An exmple of both of these issues melding into one disjointed bit that comes up multiple times: Craig Robinson plays a d-jay who refuses to conform to his audience's tastes. He grumbles with a psychotic mantra about not being pushed around as be throws out vile rap to a crowd of shoppers. There is nothing that comes from this set up and no reason for it to be introduced in the first place...which essentially sums up the movie.




Related Reviews:
Jeremy Piven movies
Smokin' Aces (2006)
The Kingdom (2007)


Other Critic’s Reviews:
eFilmCritic.com
Sky Movies

Labels: David Koechner, Ed Helms, film, Jeremy Piven, Kathryn Hahn, movie review, Ving Rhames, Will Ferrell

This trailer actually made me laugh. Trailers rarely make me laugh. Ken Jeong's expression during the Pearl Harbor bit kills me.






Screenwriters: Andy Stock and Andy Stempson
Director: Neal Brennan
Actors: Ed Helms (The Hangover), Will Ferrell (Land of the Lost), Jeremy Piven (The Kingdom), Ving Rhames (Pulp Fiction) and David Koechner (Get Smart)

Labels: David Koechner, Ed Helms, film, Jeremy Piven, movie trailer, Ving Rhames, Will Ferrell