Short Review: There are these two guys and they’re friends. They both love the same girl. This starts a flummoxing love triangle as they struggle to overcome their own selfish needs and expectations…oh yeah, that and then there’s this part where the Japanese attack Pearl Harbor. Anyway, so the girl loves the first boy…


After seeing this film, I believe it's fair to say the men and women at Pearl Harbor have been attacked twice.

This is akin to making a film about The Batan Death March and placing the focus of the story on the relationship between a boy and his dog.

The film is a complete horror. The love story at the center of this grand insult is lifeless. Perhaps this is due to the limp script being played out by three of our less charismatic and talented actors: Benny Affleck, Josh “I look like Tommy Lee Jones’ kid” Hartnett and Kate Beckinsale. Maybe I’m nuts but I’m of the opinion that if you’re going to produce a film on one of the most important events in American History, you should go with your A-Team. What’s with the junior varsity players getting a shot at this?

The only serious member of the cast and crew is screenwriter Randall Wallace and this is so bad, I can’t believe he wrote it. Wallace is a national treasure as far as I’m concerned. But to look at the juvenile handling of this movie I’m shocked he’s allowed his name to remain in the credits.

Film is important. It informs people about the world we live in and in cases such as this, it teaches people about history. That is one of the purposes of this production in the first place. This should have been a reflection on that dreadful day and its implications in history. Instead we a mash of music video, action movie and just plain crappy film making. On top of all of that, the film has the nerve to make the fascist FDR look like a hero. He was a corrupt and vile man, to make him look like a strong, honorable man is disgusting.

Revisionist history is bad enough. Do we have to make history itself suck too?


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Labels: Alec Baldwin, Ben Affleck. Josh Hartnett, Cuba Gooding Jr, Dan Aykroyd, film, Jennifer Garner, Jon Voight, Kate Beckinsale, Michael Bay, movie review, Randall Wallace, Tom Sizemore, William Finchner

Short Review: Transformers: Result of Our Fallen Civilization



I found it amusing that director Michael Bay kept making references and reviving characters from the original Transformers as if anyone would remember the details of that cinematic Twinkie. Like the original, the outing is little more than Bay hammering you in the face with a strobe light with sparklers taped on it while blaring feedback in your ears. There is no story. The entire film is a series of set ups and special effects.

To be fair, the expectations aren’t high with something like this. It was designed to be easy to gobble, not to offer substance. It is a meal made of Doritos and Mountain Dew put on the screen. Putting logic, narrative and any self-respect aside, this film still fails on the most basic levels. It is not entertaining; nor does it ’t offer any memorable sequences or images. It is a Super Bowl Ad with a longer running time.

If you do recall the original it will suffice to say this sequel actually makes it seem clever. If you don’t remember the original, don’t worry, it’s not worth storing in your gray matter. This is a cheap film made to turn a buck and get butts in seats. It is a roller coaster ride with some cleavage and swearing thrown in. Don't bother with it.


Worldview: Not surprisingly, there is little spirituality in the film. Like most big Hollywood McMovies, the characters live in a completely Godless world.

The universe of the film is an amoral place. Shia LeBouf’s character Sam is a likable enough guy, but he’s hardly “good”. He’s a tool pushed around by the Transformer robots. Likewise the other “good” characters don’t actually do anything honorable. Their goodness comes from the fact that they don’t do anything necessarily evil. We follow them not because they are worth following, but because they’re the only ones to watch.

The morality presented in the film is clearly secular and thus nebulous. Sam’s parents grope and curse casually. Sam’s girlfriend Mikaela (Megan Fox) slinks around dressed in tiny clothes and is apparently slathered in Crisco – anyone who is that shiny and isn’t covered in oils should probably see a doctor. The other characters also curse and drop sexual references. All of this and Michael Bay also felt the need to include crude shots of dogs humping, John Turturro ripping his pants off and flashing his bare bum at the camera and drug jokes.

The crude behavior and language may not seem out of place or upsetting to the average secular-minded audience member, but it is worth remembering this film is based on Transformers toys. The inherent audience for this film is very small children. Bay obviously has no regard for his potential audience and serves up content custom made for teens and college kids. If you have small children who are interested in seeing this film, please know that the movie is loaded with adult behavior and situations.

Bay’s lack of concern for his audience is hardly unique. It has become more and more common for movies rehashing toys and shows from the 70’s and 80’s to include shockingly crude behavior (Land of the Lost and Cat in the Hat are two good examples.) At this point it wouldn’t surprise me to learn they somehow manage to include a wet t-shirt contest into the next Scooby Doo movie.

Will the last person leaving the culture please turn off the lights?



Cautions: As mentioned above, there’s a load of cursing, adult language and behavior. There’s drug references, sexual references and a number of butt cheeks.


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Labels: film, John Turturro, McMovie, Megan Fox, Michael Bay, movie review, Shia LaBeouf

Michael Bay is the Spielberg of crap. and this loud, brainless Mountain Dew commercial with a narrative is his masterwork.

The plot of this wasteful, culture-killer is simple, a big rock is going to crush Earth so in response, America sends up Bruce Willis to blow it up with nuclear bombs because...well, just because it sounds awesome, that's why.

It isn’t that the film is stupid, of course its stupid - it a film starring Bruce Willis and Ben Affleck directed by Michael Bay and written by JJ Abrams, it has stupid in its DNA. The fact that this is dumb doesn't mean much. The number of truly brain dead movies is legion. This movie is a momentous achievement because of the its ability to sustain its stupidity for the duration of its run time and does so at an extreme level. From the moment the lights dim to the second the credits thankfully begin to roll, the audience is assaulted with an unyielding dumb, a thought-smothering blanket of idiocy so thick that it can cover any struggle for logic. Michael Bay has managed to develop a redefinition of the moronic. From the plot to the dialog, every aspect of the script manages to avoid any not being completely dunderheaded.

Here is the kicker, despite the idiocy of every frame, this is a fun movie. It asks nothing from the audience but gives a lot of flashy lights and numerous moments of peril in return. The reason the film works is thanks to the two-dimensional character writing skills of JJ Abrams. He pens a gaggle of impressively thin characters and then Bay cast these shells with solid character actors to bring them to half-life. There's the cranky blue-collar dad (Willis), the virginal princess daugter (Liv Tyler), her handsome young buck (Ben Affleck), the down-to-earth sidekick (Will Patton), the frenzied genius (Steve Buschemi) and let's not forget, the black friend (Michael Clarke Duncan), tossed in for good measure. Across the board, the cast is given an easy job, play to the low expectations and recite some snappy lines that really make no sense, even in context. Its a heck of a living these people make.

I could keep going on make unspecfic attacks on the film but I think I've made my opinion clear. Allow me to sum this up and we'll all move our separate ways. To sum this up, it has Ben Affleck in it and it suits his skills.



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Labels: Ben Affleck, Billy Bob Thornton, Bruce Willis, Liv Tyler, Michael Bay, Owen Wilson, Steve Busemi, Will Patton

This is the quintessential big, fat McMovie. Huge and stupid, this movie asks nothing of its audience and gives nothing in return. Ben Affleck and Bruce Willis star in this goofy flick about a group of oil drillers are sent into space with nuclear warheads to blow up a killer asteroid. The upside to this film is how it openly revels in its stupidity. The frank dumbness at the heart of this piece begs you to wallow in this thoughtlessness carnival of crap without shame. You know this is stupid, the people who made the movie know it’s stupid – everyone agrees. If you like big flashing lights, big explosions and lots of bad dialog screamed at full throat, this is the movie for you. If you’re into plot, character, dialog, or patient exposition, you’ll be better off finding something else.

Labels: Ben Affleck, Billy Bob Thornton, Bruce Willis, Liv Tyler, Michael Bay, Owen Wilson, Steve Busemi, Will Patton