March 11, 2010
Event Horizon (1997)
Should I see it?
Not even at gunpoint.
Not even at gunpoint.
Short Review: This film is a race between stupid and perverted.
Go get drunk on cheap whiskey, call everyone you know and swear relentlessly at them, strip off all of your clothes, run downtown rubbing gravel in your hair whiles crying and screaming “I can’t love! I am lost in a world of loneliness!”
The next day you’ll feel less debased than after watching this film.
This film is about a group of money hungry actors-er-spaceship crew members who travel to a black hole in search of a missing ship. Here's a clue to the writers - ITS A BLACK HOLE! I THINK I KNOW WHERE THE SHIP MIGHT BE HIDING!
Once the space losers get to their objective, they spend the rest of the film aggressively avoiding anything that could be mistaken as a logical progression of narrative.
I assume that in the production meetings it was tossed around that the space dorks would find something creepy in the black hole. It's a vacuum so, of course, there's creepy stuff - at least that's what the hard science tells us.
Since this is a movie for morons, the space clods find hell or evil spirits or something like that - it doesn't matter. Let's just agree that our intrepid space slack jaws trip across a vague evil entity that plays on the space idiot’s memories and imaginations*. Unfortunately for us these space weenies ain’t very clever and the “ghosts” and whatnot are more pathetic than petrifying.
Outside of the issue that nothing in this film makes any sense, we still have the stagnant dialog, bored actors and tissue thin characters to relish. Given that the average episode of Thomas The Train has deeper meaning than this embarrassment, it shouldn't be too surprising to find that the man who directed this babbling nonsense went on to give the world the greatest film ever made: Death Race.
If you’re an independent director, producer, actor or screenwriter and you can’t break into the business, stay away from this movie. Not being able to get produced and then seeing this magnificent turd on the rental shelf is like being pantsed by the slow kid in gym class.
Spray oven cleaner in your face, drink shampoo, vote for the democrat, do anything but see this film.
Content Warning: There's plenty of violence, oh, and not just your run-of-the-mill eviscerations and bludgeons, these guys are "edgy"; so we get served up plenty of the good ol' fashioned sexual violence as well. Good job keeping things classy!
* - this may be the only reference to the word "imagination" and this film ever put to paper.
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Labels: film, Lawrence Fishburne, movie review, science fiction
posted by Michelle Obama's Left Nut at 8:00 AM
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11 Comments:
I'm completely with you on this. magnificent turd, indeed. I saw this hot, steaming load of film in the theater. I am still disgusted with myself for sitting throught the whole thing. I should have walked out by the end of the first hour or so, when I knew damn good and well that it could NOT possibly recover and become a decent film.
Some of the subject matter does fascinate me, that's why I wanted to see the film. I've always been interested in the idea of hell as a relative concept. Might a soul in hell not even realize that he or she is in hell? Maybe he'd just think he was going on with his unrewarding, downward spiraling, painful, difficult, godless life as he'd always known it? Just toiling away mindlessly at my miserable job, now and then sneaking away to read movie review blogs on the net, and ... uh, where was I again?
I just looked back over your review of Jacob's Ladder, a film that I really think gets this concept right. You didn't care for that either, you said it was too abstract, and I understand why you felt that way, it's a slippery movie. But if you watch enough crap like Event Horizon, and if you ever see Jacob's Ladder again, I'm sure you'll enjoy it more. ;)
Oh man, do I have to watch Jacob's Ladder again? Tim Robbins and Macaulay Calkin in the same movie...
Your second paragraph made me laugh out loud - thanks for that.
I have just stumbled across this review and I must inform you that I find your opinion of this film wrong, childish and unfortunate. I wish I had not read it. In fact, I wish the forklift had reversed over me whilst I was choking on a bolt which had fallen from the ceiling after I had fallen off the roof onto spikes yadda yadda.
Given that opinions are subjective there is no real point in arguing over them however your commentary on this universally recognised fine film should be brought to account. How much attention were you paying when you watched it? 27%? You didn't get the film. That is clear.
Anyway, I grow bored. I used to work in a video shop and it became clear that, whilst everyone is entitled to their opinion, frequently these opinions are blatantly wrong. Like your's on this occasion. There is nothing that wrong with the film, just the viewer.
Thank you for your time.
Well, you actually worked in a video store - impressive. How did you survive the VHS to DVD Transition War of 1998?
Other than your time putting David Lynch films in the employee recommendations area thinking that it made you look deep and renting porn tapes...oh, I grow BORED - Yes, I said BORED, you see I'm so intellectual that writing a comment for someone so far beneath my mental level is tiring and fails to tickle my higher intellect.
Oh hey, that 21% on the Tomatometer (http://www.rottentomatoes.com/m/event_horizon/)can be taken as quick evidence that your inability to discern feces from fondue is what is at issue here. "Universally recognized fine film"? Seriously? Yeah, I blatantly ignored all of those awards and accolades the film has accumulated.
It's a pity you are unable to use your pithy wit in the cause of good rather than take out your personal angst at a pretty good 'B' grade film. You seem to be unable to reconcile your failure in the film industry with the success of others even if they do make straight to video trash, they do at least work in the industry.
SFW
Using my brilliant, insightful wit for the purpose of warning people away from this cinematic dingleberry IS putting it to good use.
"You seem to be unable to reconcile your failure in the film industry with the success of others even if they do make straight to video trash, they do at least work in the industry."
Oh, how deep you have penetrated into the inky blackness of my tormented soul - yes, I am so distraught with my monumental failures that I've been reduced to pretending a brilliant piece of cinema is actually a calling card for the emotionally retarded.
Or maybe its just that you have no taste and this movie is absolute crap.
BTW, the guy who holds the boom mike on a porno set also "at least works in the industry" - it doesn't mean he's making art.
Do me a favor and ask the other kids in study hall to proof your comment before dropping it in. They'll let you know if it makes sense.
Dribblechops! Sorry for my absence as I would hate for you to infer from it any form of shyness and DEFEAT on this point on my behalf. Merely I was away visiting rich and powerful people and tickling them. Making them laugh that is. Anyway.
I take score of 6.3 from imdb.com as reference point to allude to this movie as being 'fine.' So back off my case please.
As to your mentioning (not very humorously may I add) of my time in the video shop, I say "Pah, Dribblechops, I have been downloading porn for over a decade and had no need of softcore exhibits on tape which you could reliably rely upon having traces of man-juice all over them as hirers, consumed by post ejaculation malaise, hurriedly ejected the tapes to be rid of them before properly wiping up." That is what I say.
And I was not BORED of you or your opinion - just of discussing said opinions as, coming beack to my time spent in the vidshop, I've heard it and said it all before.
It's a good film. Your taste must be broken.
The IMDb ratings? Good idea, ask people who have no idea what they're talking about that should work out without any problems.
Well, I guess that puts this movie somewhere between A Nightmare on Elm Street 3: Dream Warriors (rating 6.2) and The Midnight Meat Train (6.4)
SO, DRIBBLE-CHOPS TO YOU FINE SIR!
Ha! You clearly need a hobby as you obviously spent hours searching through imdb.com to find two questionable films to use as an example......as I just did. Didn't spend long and didn't find anything to throw back in your face but I did find this : http://www.kuro5hin.org/story/2003/6/22/0526/26778 which just goes to show that SCIENTIFICALLY a 6.3 rating is just above average therefore your opinion that Event Horizon is a horribly useless film is flawed. That is right. You are wrong in the face of the opinion of almost 42,000 people, all with opinions of their own.
You can't argue against that. At least not with any success.
I win, you lose. I will have my apology now pleae.
It doesn't take hours to look that info up. Just Google "imdb +"user rating" +"6.2"" and take your pick.
I can argue against imdb - you don't need to suffer the opinions on 42k people who have no idea what they're talking about. You simply need me to express my opinion and you can get on with your day. That's the beauty of the site, you get the correct opinion in seconds and you no longer have to concern yourself with wondering if you should see a film.
In other words - my opinion is Bruce Lee and the 42,000 other opinions are the faceless throng that come at him. One by one my opinion will roundhouse the living crap out of all of those useless, baseless opinions and it won't even break a sweat.
I win again. You lose again. I don't demand an apology. You have been attempting to argue that water isn't wet. Your argument has been sorry enough for both of us.
Dribblepants! Hmmmmm, it becomes apparent that you and logic and reasonable assumption are three bedfellows that will never make it past the awkward start of the menage a trois that involves one of you taking it up ze butt first. You end up lying there, apart, seperate and never to join.
Now that you have made that clear, with your denouncement of the median score of 42,000 innocent people's opinion about this fine film in the face of, solely, your opinion, I feel bad for calling you flawed. You are not flawed, you are terribly damaged and I hope the people/person who left you this way stub their toes repeatedly.
And despite the risk of starting a fresh round of the number 3 most common videoshop argument, I see your Bruce Lee and raise you Jackie Chan - who clearly would melt Bruce's face with his mixed styles and serious inability to feel any pain.
Perhaps I cannot win this argument with you but I feel fresh and invigorated to be siding with the vast majority and to have been able to enjoy this fine film. I wish you well with your life in your hermetic cave of delusion and self-pleasuring self-grandeur.
In closing I say "Pah!", "Pah!" again and triple "Pah!" Dribblepants.
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