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April 8, 2009
Snakes on a Plane (2006)
Should I see it?
Of course not.


Short Review: A masterful effort at making the cinematic equivalent to a fart lighting contest. Inherently juvenile with some brief moments of flash, but in the end, the thing simply stinks.

Snakes on a Plane

This is a bad movie, a very bad movie. It’s not even the good kind of bad movie that the filmmakers wanted this to be. The only thing that saves this film is the name Snakes on a Plane. With a title like Snakes on a Plane it’s a little hard to complain you didn’t get your money’s worth. Whining that this film is terrible is like vomiting and then complaining your mouth tastes tart. It’s part of the package.

The producers went back for a re-shoot because they actually took advice from people on the Internet. That’s like a community theater taking stage direction from the kids smoking outside of a high school. The Internet is packed with information and some good thinking, but he producers weren’t dipping in that end of the pool. The Internet-based additions, shockingly, kicked this film from PG-13 to an R-Rating. Smart business plan, an R-Rating means the investors couldn’t look forward to any hope of wide merchandising to major retailers and, I believe, the average gross profit for a PG-13 is round 50%. R hangs around 37%. While the film did manage to recoup its cost, they can assume they lost money in order to look cool to kids in chat rooms who demanded to hear Samuel L. Jackson scream "I've had it with these m-f-ing snakes on this m-f-ing plane!"

The film itself is much like you would expect. Bad guys, trying to kill a witness to a murder, place a bunch of drugged up snakes on a plane. The plane takes off and the snakes attack. From that point forward the film descends into watching people screaming, getting bitten by digitized snakes and having Samuel L. Jackson flare his bulbous eyes while yelling every syllable. There’s not much beyond that. After the first ridiculous moments of snakes biting people, the film loses much of its steam. There are only so many times you can see an actor pretend to fend off a cobra before you begin looking at your watch. Besides, they open the snake attacks with a girl getting bitten on her nipple, a guy getting chomped on his daddy sacks, followed by people getting it in the eye, butt and tongue. There are only so many places one can get bit. Once you run out of nerve centers and naughty parts there’s no where to go.

To summarize, if this isn’t normally the kind of deal that turns your crank and you’re thinking it will be fun to see; it won’t be. If seeing chicks and dudes, like, getting bit, like y’know in the junk and stuff, appeals to you then you're dumb enough to watch the movie.



Related Reviews:
Samuel L. Jackson movies
Eve's Bayou (1997)
1408 (2007)

Other Critic's Reviews:
Christian Spotlight on the Movies
Film Critics United





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posted by Michelle Obama's Left Nut at 8:00 AM




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