If Robert Rodriguez, Quintin Tarantino, and I'll toss in Kevin Smith for good measure, stopped making movies today, the world would immediately become a better place. They each have been given power and praise well beyond their talents and each are a constant reminder of how low we've set the bar for the entertainment industry. To be fair, Tarantino is a legitimate talent but he has the instincts and mentality of an abused twelve-year-old boy with a box of frogs and firecrackers. Its all about the reflexive thrill of what he thinks is cool without a thought to the consequences of how he entertains himself.

Rodriguez is the real fumbler out of the bunch. His track record is one of juvenile, morally retarded stinkbombs like Sin City, Spy-Kids 3-D: Game Over, Desperado and From Dusk Till Dawn. Of his works, Sin City at least had interesting visuals, although it was little more than a cinematic love letter to the low IQ set.

There, how's that for bias. Now on to the review.

I love zombie movies - love em'. I consider it a character flaw, but that's the truth. I love zombie movies and I hate - strongly hate Robert Rodriguez's abominable dip into the genre. Having this hack, this inept doofus create a zombie movie is my nightmare. Zombie flicks are stupid, brutal affairs and I didn't think it was possible to mess them up, they're so horrid how could you? This guy figures out a way to mess up a simple zombie flick.

This film's idiocy is beyond description. You almost have to watch the film to really understand how incredibly pathetic it actually is. Setting aside my distaste for Rodriguez's lack of any discernible talent, and taking this film on its own terms, it is a horrible, vile embarrassment. This is about the time the cinematic sycophants of the Gen-X loser brigade will chime in with "you just don't get it" or "hey, its a homage!" Listen, flat out, this film stinks. I understand this wasn't made to be great cinema - its supposed to be a bloodbath, gorefest with cheesy dialog and off kilter plotting, I get it. Even as a homage, its still an unwatchable circus of dumb. The only thing I can say about this film is that they got the low quality film making down, the grainy footage, scratched film, tinny audio, drifting focus, etc. The problem is that they didn't need to go to the extra effort of making this film look like a cheap piece of crap, it already succeeded just on its own.

Can't we please get a restraining order out to keep Rodriguez one hundred feet from any production meetings or film sets?


UPDATE: Zee, a patient reader, has noted that I avoid specifics in this review. She's points out that I claim that it's horrible but never explain how.

Fair criticism. Here we go:

Okay, before I get into this, I want to state upfront that yes, I understand clearly this was meant to be cheap, I get it. Even allowing for that, it still stinks.

Reasons Why Planet Terror is horrible and should be removed from society:

1. The various narrative parts don't match or flow. Even considering that the film was supposed to be poorly written, the disjointed storyline failed to build and simply limps along.

2. The film doesn't parody or mock the cheap films it's attempting to recall - it simply apes them neither adding to their cheesy charm nor does it fully mock them for their stupidity. In essence this is a painter making an awful knockoff of velvet paintings but ending up with nothing but another ugly velvet painting in the end. By not mocking the form or improving on their camp value, this whole production loses any point it may have had.

3. This movie really is nothing more than an effort to replicate crap cinema but here it still fails. The point is the poor and gratuitous use of blood and gore. This easy thrill should carry the movie - the gore is sloppy and uninteresting - even taken as pure camp the buckets of blood are so childishly handled and quickly become boring.

4. Again the gore - even taken for it's gross out factor it doesn't work. The elements that are there simply to be disgusting aren't.

5. The casting of Rose McGowan was a huge mistake. Yes, she can play role of a stripper with ease but anything more than basic emoting is beyond her skills. She can snarl her lines and shake her goods but that's about it. It's also a little distracting to think that all of the unneeded lingering shots of her butt, chest and legs were shot by her boyfriend. Is there anything more pathetic than a guy hiring his girlfriend?

6. The casting of Freddy Rodríguez was a huge mistake. He's supposed to be a tough guy but in every scene he looks like the weakest guy in the room. Tough guy lines coming out of that boyish face is almost laughable. Rodríguez lacks the confidence to back up his lines and when he spouts threats or lines establishing himself as a leader it all comes across as hollow acting.

7. Too many spokes in the wheel in regards to the number of characters and plots. Keeping in mind that this is supposed to be poorly written, the sheer mass of characters makes it impossible to really ever get into the action since the film has to swtich from scene to scene so frequenty, and does so with little regard to clairty. This isn't Shakespeare, but even cruddy student films are usually better constructed than this.

8. The ninety-five minute running time is absurd and the real reason why this thing doesn't work. This is a short film, or a string of short films, at best. By drawing the film out for so long Roderiguez has to push in so much filler it saps the movie of it's humor. Tarantino and Rodriguez let their egos get the better of them. Their ideas weren't interesting enough to fill a full length movie and they didn't have the self-restraint to see that. Edit this down to thirty minutes and you may have something...but that something still probably wouldn't be worth sitting through.

I hope this clarifies my opinion. Any time I get too wrapped up in beating up on something and forget to mention why, feel free to call me on it. Thanks to Zee for speaking up and keeping me honest.


Related Reviews:
Zombie movies
Dawn of the Dead (2004)
Shaun of the Dead (2004)
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Other Critic's Reviews:
FilmCritic.com
Rotten Tomatos

Labels: Bruce Willis, film, Josh Brolin, movie review, Robert Rodriguez, Rose McGowan, zombie