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January 26, 2009
Haven (2004)
Should I see it?
No.


Short Review: Can you sue film producers to get your time back? If so, I’m can hear the grumbling of a class action lawsuit in the making…I take that back, for a class action you need more than one person. I think I’m the only one who has sat through the whole movie.


Orlando Bloom may be a cutie-pie but he has the stage presence of an oven mitt. Again, I understand, he’s a pretty oven mitt, but an oven mitt just the same. In this film, he leads an ensemble cast of professional supporting actors and still manages to barely upstage the extras in the background. At one point, his character is assaulted by getting acid thrown in his face. From that point forward, Oven Mitt has a large scar running across his face. This is bad news for Oven since the scar then becomes the most interesting thing about his performance from that point forward.

This movie is a dark, miserable parade through the lower elements of human nature. As if the world didn’t have enough trouble, now we have yet another “important” movie wanting to tell us how crappy life can be. In a time of worldwide terror, nuclear escalations and The Bears losing the Superbowl, we don’t need to hear the whining of how hard things are for a bunch of thugs in the Caribbean.

This film wants to be a rehash of Crash. It weaves a number of seemingly unrelated stories that look at the troubles in our lives. Unlike Crash, this film doesn’t have any central theme worth investigating and it is completely without voice or character. The production is literally a series of events, some related but most not, where things happen but none of it makes sense nor has any meaning. In the end, after wading through almost two hours of Oven Mitt and company looking frustrated and numbly vomiting their lines at one another, there isn’t a resolution. The film simply ends. There isn’t an important statement of purpose, no overarching lesson, just a quick image of a gun and then the credits. Normally, this kind of ending would infuriate me. The ending of a film is critical. In this case, I was thrilled. The darn thing was finally over.


Related Reviews:
Orlando Bloom movies
Kingdom of Heaven (2005)
Troy (2004)


Other Critic's Reviews:
FilmJerk
eFilmCritic


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posted by Michelle Obama's Left Nut at 8:00 AM




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